


Windowpane Witticisms

by trashsshi



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Domestic Fluff, EXO-CBX, Multi, Quarantine, slightly crackish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:01:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23682052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trashsshi/pseuds/trashsshi
Summary: Window messages cannot convey tone of voice, body language and other features of non-verbal communication, often leading to minor miscommunication, such as jokes or sarcasm going undetected by the recipient.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Kim Jongdae | Chen, Byun Baekhyun/Kim Jongdae | Chen/Kim Minseok | Xiumin, Byun Baekhyun/Kim Minseok | Xiumin
Comments: 9
Kudos: 35





	Windowpane Witticisms

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lessStress](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lessStress/gifts).



Baekhyun’s first thought when the quarantine order comes is that he doesn’t want to share the food in his fridge. None of them show any symptoms of being sick, but they just went for a trip together overseas, so they’re quarantined by default the moment they return to Korea. Since it’s a quarantine, they’re supposed to stay together, not travel to their respective abodes and put other people at risk on the way, only to quarantine their families along with them at the end.

“It could be worse,” says Minseok, reading out news articles to them about how people are being quarantined in stadiums and train carriages. Okay, yes, they’re the lucky ones. Baekhyun meditates on why the fuck nobody invented, like, locks for fridges. People can lock cupboards but not fridges. It’s blatant discrimination against food. He unlocks his phone and pretends to be looking at news articles too, but actually he’s googling ‘How to padlock your refrigerator’. It’s only after perusing a couple of WikiHow articles that he remembers he doesn’t have a padlock in this apartment, although his parents and brother have one back at home. 

Jongdae rolls off the couch in the middle of Minseok’s rendition of an article vilifying Trump. Baekhyun watches him shuffle into the kitchen with bated breath and beating heart. When Jongdae’s hand reaches for the handle, Baekhyun calls, “There’s ramyeon in the cupboards! And snacks, too!”

Minseok sets his phone down on the coffee table in the middle of an article and scurries to the kitchen. “Snacks!” he says, opening all the cupboards in turn. Jongdae has opened the fridge and he’s taking stock of it shelf by shelf. Baekhyun follows them forlornly into the kitchen. 

“Well, I don’t think I’ll have to cook with these just now,” says Jongdae, “except for the meat. Everything else is stuff that’ll keep. We should make meals of the perishable foods first.”

A surge of happiness hits Baekhyun and he feels toppled on the inside. He should’ve known Jongdae could be trusted. “Dae-yah,” he drapes himself over Jongdae’s shoulders and coos. “You’re going to cook for us? You’re an angel. When you sing, heaven’s harps-”

“We’re going to take turns cooking,” Jongdae says firmly. Baekhyun droops. Minseok says, “We can’t order in if we’re quarantined?”

Jongdae decides to make gamja bokkeum, stir-fried potatoes, because they bought a sackful of potatoes on the way home. “They’ll keep,” Jongdae had said, but Baekhyun already had potatoes at home that he’d ‘kept’ for quite a while, so Jongdae is using those up first. They’re going to have the potatoes with sundubu jigae, a soft tofu stew, which is a funny combination, but meals during quarantine are probably going to be full of funny combinations. They might end up inventing their own stews whenever they find themselves with ingredients they have to use up quickly, but which aren’t put together in any existing dishes or recipes.

Well, Jongdae might end up inventing new stews. Baekhyun would probably cook two things that shouldn’t be cooked together and his kitchen would be destroyed by an explosive chemical reaction.

Minseok takes a bag of shrimp chips to his room. Baekhyun decides to inventory his cupboards later to keep track of who snacks on what. They should ration the snacks between themselves, probably. For now, though, Baekhyun leans his elbows on the kitchen counter, content to watch Jongdae cook for them.

Jongdae tries to flip the potato slices in the pan with a flourish, but he kind of fails, at least stylistically- he has to swing wildly to catch them back in the pan. Jongdae’s kind of adorable. He also slices leeks so finely that it’s kind of sexy. Baekhyun comments all of this out loud, teasing.

Jongdae is intent on cooking, at most sparing a glower for Baekhyun, but Baekhyun sneaks up on him and slides his arms around Jongdae’s waist. “Dae-yah,” Baekhyun coos, “when I think about you cooking for me, why does my heartbeat quicken? When I taste your food, will I fall in love with you?” Baekhyun notes the flush creeping up on Jongdae’s neck and ears with satisfaction. He badly wants to kiss Jongdae’s nape into a darker bloom. He settles for blowing softly on his nape and watching the tiny hairs there raise.

“Stop distracting me!” says Jongdae, pushing at the arms around his waist ineffectually. His voice easily rises a few octaves. That’s adorable too.

“I’m helping you practice your concentration,” says Baekhyun cheekily. “I’ll do my best to distract you, and you do your best to concentrate.  _ Quarantine is a good time to learn a new skill, or practice your existing skills to a new level of ability _ ,” Baekhyun adds, quoting something Minseok read out to them that morning. He plants a quick kiss on Jongdae’s nape as if to emphasize his point.

Jongdae retaliates with a backward jab of his elbow, so that when Minseok ambles into the kitchen to see how the cooking is coming along, he finds Baekhyun doubled over on the floor, while Jongdae looks like he’s been cooking his face over the stove instead of the potatoes.

~

Jongdae quickly realises that he can’t stomach anything Baekhyun or Minseok manage to cobble together in the kitchen, so he takes regular kitchen duty and assigns the other two to cleaning duty. Baekhyun frequently infiltrates the kitchen, and Jongdae’s personal space, when he’s supposed to be dusting the house.

“Your ass looks way too good when you’re in an apron,” says Baekhyun, grabbing a handful. 

He gets elbowed in the stomach again, but it’s worth it. 

The next time he goes to grab Jongdae’s ass he whispers that he’d like to see him in nothing but the apron. Surprisingly, he isn’t elbow-stabbed this time. Jongdae just sighs, long-suffering and eye-rolling. Trying to see how far he can go with his teasing until Jongdae snaps, Baekhyun grins and says he’d like to have Jongdae for dinner. 

“You’re not going to have anything for dinner,” says Jongdae calmly. Baekhyun pouts. 

Then brightens. “I’ll have my stock of snacks to tide me through,” he retorts. “I’ve saved them up.” Unlike Minseok, who has run through his share already. Baekhyun trails his lips along the side of Jongdae’s neck as though to emphasize his point.

Minseok walks in on them again and grumbles, “You’re so soft on him, letting him nuzzle you like that. I can’t imagine why.” He opens all the cupboards even though he knows they’ve all taken their rations to their rooms. The cupboards gape emptily, like Baekhyun’s heart before he met these two.

“Jongdae loves me,” Baekhyun mumbles into Jongdae’s neck. Jongdae doesn’t say anything to that, which is tantamount to him admitting it. He’s so, so red, as though he cooked his face over the stove twice over. That’s irrefutable proof.

~

Baekhyun inches through his snack rations by only munching on them while watching Minseok doing his indoor workouts- truly a pleasure to behold. Baekhyun’s favourite show. Minseok’s arms ripple and flex as he pushes himself up off the ground only to bring his chin to the floor again. There always comes a point when Minseok is so heated up by the workout that he takes off his shirt and continues, and that’s even better. Baekhyun takes a front row seat on the couch and eats a chip for every horny thought. It could be a drinking game but nobody wants to deal with drunk Baekhyun, so Jongdae has been particularly strict about the ration of beer allotted to Baekhyun, and he’s been denied soju altogether.

But Baekhyun doesn’t really need alcohol when there are other ways to have fun. He plays his videogames a lot, and once in a while he video calls his mother, telling her that they are doing well supporting each other through the quarantine. That involves splitting the chores and taking turns to order groceries to be home delivered, but more importantly, it involves a lot of kissing and cuddling. He doesn’t mention that last bit to his mother. She’d probably be okay with him loving a man, but he’s not sure she’d be able to understand him loving two men together. Knowing her, she’d think it most unromantic. When really they’re hopeless romantics, all three of them. The only reason they’re not having candlelit dinners every night is because Jongdae says a global pandemic is unpredictable and what if the country finds itself without electricity one day? Like, what if this is the beginning of the end of the world? Minseok tries to find articles about whether this is the beginning of the end of the world and finds a lot of stuff about how zombie apocalypse stories have parallels to this pandemic, or something. Anyway, that’s why they’re not using the candles. Not even the lovely perfumed ones Baekhyun likes to buy according to the scents he associates with his lovers. 

As many memes as there are about quarantine being boring (Baekhyun can't relate- he isn't more bored now than he was before the quarantine, at any rate), there are probably more about how quarantine somehow makes everyone hornier, and how people are dying to go to their dick appointments but can’t because of stay at home orders. Sometimes Baekhyun lies awake thinking about how there are people out there who can’t fuck each other, can’t even touch or kiss, because one of them could have the virus and spread it to the other. Or they’d have to leave their houses to meet and make out. Damn asymptomaticity. Baekhyun is aware he is one of the lucky ones. Every time Minseok fucks him into the mattress, he tears up. From the heartfelt gratitude. And the pleasure and pain too, probably. But the point is, when Minseok’s hitting his spot he feels truly spiritual about how  _ blessed _ he is. When Minseok holds him in his strong arms, against his hard, ridged chest after a good fucking, Baekhyun feels like a saint. Minus the celibacy.

Minseok reads out articles about people losing their jobs, people not having access to food while there’s food being dumped elsewhere because they’re not able to sell it or transport it anywhere, migrant workers getting stranded, homeless people having even fewer resources to access than before, all because of the lockdowns the world over. And Baekhyun feels lucky and blessed again. Not quite spiritual- his orgasmic highs kind of push him to transcend the limits of being and he needs that extra push to feel spiritual- but he definitely feels lucky and blessed. So he donates for battling the virus, they all do. It feels like that’s all they can do to help, really. They’re not rich, but they have enough to give, and they keep in touch with the soup kitchens in their area to contribute what they can every week.

“Wouldn’t it be great if, for every sperm you set free inside me, a virus died,” says Baekhyun to Minseok.

Jongdae snorts. 

“Imagine if a virus died for every kiss I gave you,” says Baekhyun to Jongdae. “I’d kiss you all the time.”

“Thank god your kisses are useless,” says Jongdae. Baekhyun clutches his chest. He’s so hurt.

Baekhyun sulks the rest of the day where Jongdae is concerned. While he’s on dusting duty, he dusts Jongdae too, flapping the duster in his face, “Normally I’d kiss you clean but then you’d tell me I’m being useless,” he says morosely when Jongdae demands to know what the fuck he thinks he’s doing.

“I can just take a shower, asshole,” says Jongdae. “How do you figure kissing me would make me clean? We’re not cats.”

“Well since I can’t make out with you in the shower, cause you think that’s useless, I don’t see why you’d bring up showers,” says Baekhyun, sullener by the minute. “And it’s not just cats, giraffes clean their ears with their tongues.” With that, he throws the duster at Jongdae’s feet and storms off to his room. He takes refuge in gaming and doesn’t come out of his room the rest of the day.

When Jongdae crawls into his lap while he’s still gaming- to make out with him!- Baekhyun doesn’t reciprocate. “You’re distracting me,” he grouches.

“I’ll help you practice your concentration,” drawls Jongdae. Baekhyun gasps. How  _ dare _ Jongdae use his own tricks against him.

They make out, and Baekhyun keeps tugging hard at Jongdae’s hair, as punishment. After a while his resentment has all melted away, either thanks to expending his feelings through the tugging, or thanks to the tender warmth of Jongdae’s lips. Probably the latter, if he’s being honest. Baekhyun can’t hold on to negative emotions for long while Jongdae’s kissing him. It’s kind of embarrassing but nice, even if Jongdae knowingly takes advantage of the fact.

~

Jongdae says they can’t have complete meals for breakfast. No more rice with three side dishes first thing in the morning. They’ve got to save up on the groceries that constantly need replenishing. Baekhyun and Minseok are back in the kitchen for this, because they can cook simple breakfast items pretty well. They rotate between gamjajeon- potato pancakes- and ordinary pancakes too. The latter, Baekhyun makes with wheat flour, and sometimes he mashes a banana or two instead of using eggs. They do still have gaeran jim, steamed eggs all whisked smooth with variable garnishing, around twice a week. So they don’t suffer an utter withdrawal from a hearty Korean breakfast. 

Baekhyun is good at baking, so when they find that the grocery store isn’t able to replenish its stock of bread in time because it runs out so quickly, Jongdae tells Baekhyun to use up the peanut butter somehow. (Jongdae is aware of the self-baking bread trend and he respects the community, but that just isn’t him.)

Baekhyun makes vegan peanut butter cookies, because they don’t really need eggs to bind together anyway, peanut butter is that sticky. And then for around three days they have cookies for breakfast. It’s wonderful. Baekhyun also makes crock pot cakes. He likes not having to use the oven, and Jongdae likes that each cake only takes one egg.

They’re not fussed about nutrition or staying in shape. Not through diet plans, that is. Minseok keeps at his workouts, and Baekhyun gets them vitamin supplements delivered from the pharmacy.

There’s no toilet paper anywhere, but that doesn’t bother them much. “We traditionally used to wash our asses, anyway,” says Minseok, and he’s right. Baekhyun wonders why the heck they switched, as a society, to wiping their asses, and further wonders whether they’ll go back to washing themselves now. Big, historical changes aren’t necessarily unprecedented. 

They have a bidet, but they also have a hand faucet next to the toilet, so they’re all set to go back to their ass-washing roots.

~

Quarantine brings them closer, even if sometimes they have to struggle not to step on each other’s toes. They come up with plenty of bonding activities to pass the time, when Minseok is tired of perusing the news, Baekhyun is tired of gaming, and Jongdae is tired of Baekhyun bothering him whenever he’s bored. 

One of their favourite games goes like this: they sit, jammed together, in front of the living room window and watch the supermarket across the street. The supermarket only lets in a few people at a time, so they place bets on how slowly the line will move. Basically, they pick one person who stands out, like the dude who always comes wearing a plague doctor’s mask, and bet on when he’ll make it to the door. Since none of their companies are miserly miseries of capitalist cruelty, they’re all still getting their paychecks, so when they bet money, whoever wins has to send the proceeds to the soup kitchen. Sometimes, if they want to spice things up and make the game more exciting, the stakes are their snacks. It kind of keeps them from quibbling over their food rations because each of them knows that in theory they can snag someone else’s snacks in the next gamble.

They try putting a message in their window for their neighbours. “How’s it going?” is their first message,  _ it _ here referring to the whole coronavirus situation, the stay at home orders and all the rest of it. The neighbors probably aren’t in quarantine, because one of them hangs out on their front porch every other evening. A stout old granny with a pet fish in a bowl. She sits in a folding-chair on the porch with her goldfish bowl in her lap, her hands always secure around it, and talks to the fish as it shimmies around.

“I need more wine,” comes the answer, all in bold, the next day. Minseok passes the binoculars to Baekhyun who passes them to Jongdae, and they all agree that they read it right.

“We only have beer,” they reply.

“I’ll take what I can get.”

A couple of days later, the stout old granny sits in a beam of sunlight gracing her porch, her fish in its bowl on her lap, and sips beer. She holds the beer in one hand, her other arm curved around the fishbowl. 

"Thanks,” pops up in her window.

“What’s your name?” they ask.

“Granny Crackers, even though I’m not senile. The fish is Finn. He’s a good boy.” This took several papers that took up all her panes on the side of the house that faces them.

“Your husband was called Graham?”

“Yeah, dead ten years.”

They shouldn’t crack up over that as much as they do, because it  _ could _ have been true. Unlikely, but there is always a  _ possibility _ . Baekhyun decides to dazzle Granny Crackers in return with his sparkling wit, so he writes, “Nice to meet you Granny Crackers, my name is Bacon” and puts it on the window.

It’s only when he gets “Nice to meet you, Bacon.” in return that he realises she doesn’t have enough context to find that funny.

And neither Jongdae nor Minseok had found his Bacon joke funny, but they find the fact that he’d cracked a joke with Granny Crackers that there was no way she’d understand absolutely hilarious for some reason. It tickles them immensely that there is no way Baekhyun can tell her his real name now without looking like even more of a chump.

Baekhyun has always embraced his prize perfect chump-ness, dunce-ity, whatever. He has always rolled with it. So he lets them laugh, and when Granny Crackers asks, “Bacon, are you crisp?” he replies with, “I iron everything”- which isn’t a total lie. He always irons his clothes when he has to go out. That’s the only reason why nowadays he doesn’t iron anything no matter how crumply. 

“Iron my wrinkles for me will you?” says Granny Crackers, and Baekhyun says “Can’t cause social distancing”.

“It’s okay, I was joking.” says Granny Crackers. Jongdae and Minseok slap their thighs and slap each other’s thighs laughing over this, long content to leave the window messages to Baekhyun. They’re a very appreciative audience. 

“I know haha” says Baekhyun. When his boyfriends laugh at him for too long, he kisses them fiercely to shut them up. It always works.

**Author's Note:**

> was this just a hotpot of quarantine memes and silly coronavirus jokes i saw on twitter that coagulated in my subconscious and burst forth or was this any good  
> also. i have a [twitter](https://twitter.com/trashsshi). talk to me there?  
> 


End file.
